Magical Happy Rainbow Valley Assisted Living Home
by GogoPineapple
Summary: Have you ever wonderd what the cast of H.P. would be like if they were old people? Well stop wondering! Help Harry battle arthritis, Hermoines bad memory, roomin' with Draco, Woods cooking, Snapes crazy pineapple hyjinks,and MORE. Contains language,old pe
1. In The Home

DISCLAIMERS: As every one knows, I don't own jack diddily shnit. but. I know who does. J.K. Rowling does! AHA! Okie pokie here's the deal. I have dibs on the original fic plot, so I would really appreciate it if nobody stole it cause.IT'S MINE YOU HEAR ALL MINE AHA(rubs hands together greedily). Also, the 5ft bamboo stick named ARP is property of my cousin and fellow Harry Potter junky/Otaku/fic author, Wingfright, so refrain from stealing that, also. This fic contains HARSH LANGUAGE, OLD PEOPLE VIOLENCE, and. X-TREME PINEAPPLE ACTION! AHA! Also. I warn you that my punctuation skillz suck major ass, so DON'T JUDGE ME! AHA! If you have any questions/comments/whatever e-mail me. and stuff. I'll try to update as much as I possibly can. May your lives be filled with tangy pineapple goodness! AHA! ~GoGo Pineapple~  
  
~PART 1: IN THE HOME~  
  
" The Magical Happy Rainbow Valley Assisted Living Home for the Ailing Magical Community. hmmm," thought Harry to himself looking around the very bright waiting room of the establishment.  
  
"I can't hardly believe I've reached the point in my life where I would be forced to live in one of these places. Hermione said it's 'just like living in an apartment, accept with constant monitering and supervision'. At least I'll get to be near Ron and Hermione again. Thank Merlin!"  
  
Harry took another gander around the horribly cheerful, pastel waiting room. The walls were a faded baby pink with pictures of flower arrangements tacked on them. They contrasted badly with the stained, powder blue carpeting that covered the floor. A few stratigicly placed tables and chairs littered the room. On the table nearest to Harry sat an outdated issue of 'Witch Weekly' with an all to familiar face on the cover.  
  
"Holy Jeebus! It's my old Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Gilderoy Lockhart! Gee wiz this magazine must be about 80 years old, I reckon!"  
  
Harry looked at his former teachers face with great dislike. Lockhart replied by winking and flashing his pearly whites at him. Harry dropped the magazine, purely disgusted with it. He started to stomp on Gilderoy's putrid face when he heard an insanely, sugar sweet voice say.  
  
"Uhhh. excuse me. Mr. Potter."  
Harry looked up to see a peppy looking, fake beach blonde woman with a big chest.  
  
"You are Mr. Harry Potter, aren't you?"  
  
"Uhhggghh. yeah. I guess I am." Harry managed to say, casting his gaze upwards toward her face.  
  
"Oh good! My name is Nurse Candi, Candi with an 'i', by the way. I've to take you on a tour of the 'home' before I dump you off in your room, kay!" she said with a smile.  
  
"Umm. that's great, but I'm supposed to be waiting for my two friends, Ron and Hermione. They promised to take me on a tour. a 3 hour tour."  
  
Just as soon as Harry snapped out of his 'Gilligan moment', he heard a loud squeeking sound, much like the squeeking of old, rusty wheels. The mystry of the squeeking was soon solved when he saw Hermione pushing an overweigt, sleeping Ron in an ancient wheelchair.  
  
"Oh Harry, how splendid it is to see you. Ron dear. oh Ron. RON!" Hermione yelled at her sleeping husband. Ron was suddenly jolted awake by her screams.  
  
"Ahhh! Oh My Jeebus, where the Hell am I?!" He swivled his head around violently, looking every which way until he spotted Harry grining at him fondly. "Hiya Harry, how are you old chap?"  
  
"Oh Harry, you'll have to excuse him. he goes delirious like that sometimes," said Hermione, sighingand shaking her frizzy gray haired head, "what ever are we going to do with you, Ron? Sometimes I wonder why I even married you!"  
  
"Super duper! Now Mr. and Mrs. Weasley can join us!" chirped Nurse Candi, clapping gleefully, "Shall we get going then?" Harry stood up and reached for his aluminum plated, wheeled walker. "Okie dokie. Let's go!"  
  
END OF PART 1  
  
COMING UP NEXT IN PART 2  
Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Nurse Candi make their way through the nursing home. One of them is beaten with a 5 ft. bamboo stick named ARP, but, who will it be and. WHY? Find out which Hogwarts professor is locked in a 'Pysco Ward'. and WHY? And. who is Harry's new roommate, and WHY would these two seniors be put in a room together? Learn all this and MORE in the next part of. THE MAGICAL HAPPY RAINBOW VALLEY ASSISTED LIVING HOME FOR THE AILING MAGICAL COMMUNITY!!! 


	2. The Unexpected Roomie From Hell

DISCLAIMERS: See the beginning of Part1. All disclaimers apply (duh, like I want to be sued). May your lives be filled with tangy pineapple goodness! Enjoy the fic! ~GoGo Pineapple~  
  
PART 2: THE UNEXPECTED ROOMIE FROM HELL  
  
"O.k., the door on your right leads to the kitchen, where all your meals are made. And to your left is the dining area, that's where you eat."  
  
"That's pretty self explanatory," said Harry, grinning at Nurse Candi.  
  
"The next door on your right leads to the meeting hall, that's usually where the tenants like to have parties and special gatherings."  
  
By this time, Ron had fallen back to sleep again. Hermione, who looked like she was about to drift off to dreamland herself, still continued to push Ron's rusty wheelchair down the white tiled hallway. Soon the narrow hallway opened up into a large, inviting looking room.  
  
"This is the recreation room, where many of the seniors spend most of their time. As you can see, we have many, easy to use, muggle devices to keep yourself busy with." Nurse Candi explained.  
  
Harry saw that the room had a fairly big sized television set, a fooze ball table, and a tiny, outdated computer. There were probably a lot more interesting toys to play with, but, Harry had great difficulties seeing them, because he just then realized that he misplaced his glasses.  
  
"Ah drat! I've just lost my glasses! Do any of you know where I --- RON!" Everyone turned to see the sleeping Ron wearing Harry's spectacles.  
  
*WHAP* "RON! Why the HELL are you wearing Harry's glasses!" screamed Hermione, smacking Ron with a 5 ft. bamboo stick with the name 'ARP' written on it with black Sharpie.  
  
"Dear Lord, Hermione, you don't need to KILL him!" Harry yelled at her, snatching his glasses.  
  
"Well, that's the only way I can get through to him anymore!" said Hermione defensively, still clutching her husband beating device.  
  
Now Ron was in a serious state of shock, for his eyes were wide open and he was panting like a Panda bear on a hot summers day.  
  
"Stupid glasses have been disappearing a lot lately," sighed Harry, "they've just been popping up in strange places."  
  
"Maybe it's a sign from." Hermione's voice was now a monsterous litte whisper, "from. Voldemort." Nurse Candi gve a high pitched squeal, stumbled backwards, and fell into Ron's lap.  
  
"Get out of my husband's wheelchair ridden lap you little HUSSY!" Hermione took her bamboo stick (ARP) and started to swing it wildly at Nurse Candi, nearly missing Ron by mere centimeters.  
  
"Nah. I doubt it's Voldemort. I think my glasses are just possessed, or something like that."  
  
Now Nurse Candi was lying in a heap on the floor. Her supermodel body was bruised and bloody.  
  
"She was askin' for it," said a satisfied Hermione, "lets just go on the rest of the tour without her." Hermione pushed the still hyperventilating Ron right over the beaten mess formerly known as Nurse Candi.  
  
The trio made their way across the recreation room, and entered another long, white hallway. Harry noticed that the walls had wooden railings attached to them that stopped abruptly when there was an opening, then continued again.  
  
"My this place is really fit for the elderly."  
  
"Oh yes, it's a very splendid place to live, Harry, you'll like it," Hermione said, smirking happily, "but there's just something important I keep forgetting to tell you. but don't worry, I'll remember. eventually."  
  
Ron grunted in a sarcastic manner. He appeared much calmer than he was before. They turned a corner that led into a dreary hallway. There was a sign posted on the wall that read 'Psycho Ward'.  
  
"This is where all the loonies are stored," said Ron, returning back to a 'stable' condition.  
  
They passed a heavy metal, padlocked door with a curtained window on the wall next to it.  
  
"Harry, Harry, you absolutely have to see this!" said an urgent Ron, who excitedly tugged back the curtain, exposing the room within.  
  
It was a high celinged, white padded room. The lights in it were blinding, Harry had to squint to make out the contents. There were many cans of what seemed to be pineapples sprawled throughout the room, and there were also pineapples tied with fishing line attached to the ceiling. They swayed back and forth in a rhythmic fashion.  
  
"Look over there in the corner!" Ron giggled. Harry was simply shocked by the sight he saw.  
  
Sitting in the corner, there was a decrepit old man in a straight jacket. He appeared to be sleeping, his gray, greasy, matted hair covered most of his wrinkled, droopy face. In his mouth, situated between his rotted teeth was a sticky looking can opener.  
  
"That. that's not who I think it is. is it?" stuttered Harry in disbelief. R on was now laughing hysterically.  
  
"Yes Harry. that," Hermione pointed, "that is our dear, old Professor Snape."  
  
"Oh Dear Great Merlin! He has to be over 100 years old!"  
  
"121 to be exact," corrected Hermione.  
  
"But. what's with the pineapples?"  
  
"Well, they supposedly give him some kind of super human stimulation. Those pineapples are what has kept him alive for so long."  
  
"Why do you say he's 'super human'?" questioned Harry.  
  
"He can perform physical feats other normal 121 year olds can't."  
  
"Like what? What do you mean?"  
  
At this time, Ron was laughing like a rabid hyena on steroids. In fact, Ron was laughing so hard he tipped his wheelchair and landed with a crash.  
  
"Ahhh My Back! My Back!" screamed Ron in sheer agony.  
  
"Ronnie!" Hermione fell to her knees and was trying to scoop Ron back into his chair.  
  
Harry tried to assist them, but his bad arthritis didn't allow him. Instead, he looked back at the sleeping Snape, well at least he was sleeping. Snape was staring right at him. His puffy, blood shot eyes gazed at Harry intently.  
  
"Uhhh. Hermione."  
  
"Yes.what.is it.Harry?" asked an out of breath Hermione, situating Ron back in his wheelchair.  
  
"Look at Snape."  
  
Both Ron and Hermione directed their attentions toward the senior in the straight jacket. At that exact moment, Snape decided to strike. He lunged forward to the window at an alarming speed, and slammed his 'in desperate need of Botox', wrinkled face against the glass. Harry snatched the curtain and yanked it shut.  
  
"You see," said Hermione, breathing deeply, "what the power of pineapples make him do!"  
  
The trio backed into the adjacent wall facing the window with fear.  
  
"And the really scary thing is that he escapes sometimes during the night."  
  
"Yeah, and he'll crawl around in the air ducts and look through the vents at you while your sleeping." told Ron.  
  
They fell silent. They could hear Snape making noises and scratching the window with his can opener.  
  
"Poor git can't even speak proper English anymore." Ron said sympathetically.  
  
Snape made noises that sounded like the ones made by monsters. One of his phrases sounded like this.  
  
"JIBBY JIBBY JEWW JAWLL GAAH NAR YEEH NUHR!"  
  
.many words like this where screeched from inside the room.  
  
"Hermione dear, I wanna go home!" whined Ron.  
  
"Alright, alright Ron, let's head back now."  
  
They soon found themselves in yet another brightly lit hallway with many wooden doors. Off in the distance, they could hear a faint voice that sounded like Bob Barkers.  
  
"My Jeebus! Who is playing their TV so loud?" questioned Harry.  
  
"Oh no we're missing The Price Is Right, Hermione!" cried Ron.  
  
"Crap crap crap crap crap! I wish I could remember what I had to warn Harry about!" Hermione smacked herself in the head with ARP a couple of times.  
  
The three old friends stopped in front of the door labeled '348' in gold plated numbers. The Price Is Right theme song was pulsating from the room behind it.  
  
"O.K. Harry, this is your room. but if my memory serves me right, you have to share it with someone."  
  
"Well that's fine. I guess. Who do I have to share it with?" asked Harry.  
  
"That's what I can't seem to remember, but I do remember that it isn't good."  
  
"When you get settled Harry, can you invite us over to watch The Price Is Right." pleaded Ron.  
  
"Ron, that's not the point, I need to remember who resides in this here room." said a frustrated Hermione.  
  
"Isn'it ummmm. uhhhhh.(snore)." Ron drifted to sleep.  
  
"OH MY DEAR LORD VOLDEMORT'S UNCLE!"  
  
"What, what is it, WHO is it, Hermione!" Harry wanted to strangle the words out of her, if only his arthritis would permit him to do so.  
  
"The person you have to share a room with is. is. is."  
  
"IS WHO!"  
  
"Draco Malfoy." Hermione looked down at the polished floor.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the horrified Harry.  
  
Suddenly, the door burst open. A bald, skinny elderly man mounted on a fancy hover scooter appeared in the doorway.  
  
"Why is there so much damn racket out here. Damn hooligans. Holy shit."  
  
Draco and Harry's eyes met. The stared at each other with an intense loathing for 5 long minutes.  
  
"Well now. I guess you two are roomies then. Toodles Harry, I have to go put Ron to bed."  
  
"No please don't leave me." Before Harry knew it, Hermione and Ron disappeared into their room next door.  
  
Draco and Harry's eyes met once again.  
  
"You listen to me Potter. I'm going to HATE every second of this just as much as you are so." Draco's gaze fell to the floor, "lets just get this whole ordeal over with. I guess you'll want to come in. their about to spin the wheel."  
  
THE END OF PART 2  
  
COMING UP NEXT IN PART 3:  
Well. I don't quite know yet. but it be spankingly good when it gets here! 


	3. Special Peoples

DISCLAIMERS: See the beginning of Part 1. All disclaimers apply (duh, like I want to be sued). May your lives be filled with tangy pineapple goodness! GoGo Pineapple  
  
PART 3: SPECIAL PEOPLE  
  
Harry, reluctantly, entered the room after Draco. It appeared to be a very lavish place with many gold and silver plated things, especially mirrors. Then, what more can you expect from Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Knock, knock!" chimed a cheerful Scottish voice.  
  
Draco and Harry turned to see an elderly, but extremely youthful looking man standing in the entryway. He was dressed in a plaid kilt, brown leather penny loafers with black knee socks, a plaid shirt that contrasted wildly with the kilt, and a simple gray sweater vest. In his hands, he held a steaming plate covered with a blue and white-checkered cloth.  
  
"Long time no see, Harry!"  
  
"No way. Wood! Oliver Wood! That can't possibly be you. you look the exact same way you did when we were in school! Except for the hair. and the kilt!" blurted an amazed Harry.  
  
"Oh your too kind," blushed Wood, taking his free hand and tussling his silverery gray hair, "well, the moment I heard that you were going to be our new neighbor, I figured I should make you a 'welcome' present. um may I come in?" he asked, gesturing toward the plate.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. The sooner you come in, the sooner you can get out." Draco muttered turning off the TV.  
  
Wood walked in at a brisk pace, and set the plate down on a circular wooden table.  
  
"Holy crap! Is this table Amish made!" gasped Harry, stroking the lacquered table.  
  
"Why yes it is, Potter, it is Amish made, and it was imported from a distant land overseas known as 'Ohio'!" said Draco with great importants.  
  
"Those Amish fellers are scary." shuddered Wood, "Anyway," he tore the cloth away from the plate, "and I made this scrumptious banana nut bread for you Harry, made with love, fresh from the oven!"  
  
A cute little loaf of steaming hot banana nut bread with a drizzle of powdered sugar on it sat on a flowery plate. A tantalizing aroma wafted through the room.  
  
"Oh thank you so much Wood, it looks beautiful, but, there's just one little problem, though."  
  
"What is it, Harry?"  
  
"I. I can't chew the nuts with my dentures." Harry looked down at the floor, crying a little as he stated this.  
  
"Ha, ha weakling!" Draco sneered.  
  
"That's ok, buddy, I'll just remove those for you."  
  
Wood's wand appeared in his hand. He whispered a spell under his breath, and with a poof, the nuts were gone.  
  
"You idiot! You know perfectly well that we're not supposed to use magic at our age!" lectured Draco, "We have to do everything the. the. 'Muggle Way'!"  
  
"Oopsies, I must have forgotten," said Wood hiding his wand, "At least now you have 'special' banana bread. You know what I always say. 'Special banana bread for special people'! Well, I'll be leaving you two now. gotta go stick a tooth pick in Snape's pineapple upside down cake."  
  
Wood turned on a dime and pranced out the door, his kilt swishing with his motions.  
  
"Sit down, Potter." ordered Draco.  
  
Harry pulled out one of the skillfully handcrafted, Amish chairs and sat, as Draco pulled a large, bread-cutting knife from a drawer. He glided back to the table, and he started to slice Wood's gift. After he finished slicing, Draco positioned his hover chair across the table from Harry, his pale eyes drilling into Harry's head.  
  
"Well, aren't you going to eat it? I assure you that it isn't poisoned. Wood happens to be the best cook I know.  
  
"Wow that is so unlike you to give somebody a compliment, Malfoy." said Harry, taking a nibble of banana bread, "Mmmm, this is pretty damn good. uhhhh do. do you want some?"  
  
"Don't mind if I do, Potter." Draco took a piece, tore it into littler pieces, and popped them one by one into his mouth.  
  
"By the way, Malfoy, you don't have to keep calling me 'Potter', you can call me 'Harry'."  
  
"Fine. and I wish people would stop calling me 'Malfoy'. I've always hated how people address me by my last name. So, don't do it!" snarled Draco.  
  
"Ok.Draco. Maybe. possibly. we can make this whole 'roommate' thing work, it will be hard, but, maybe."  
  
"Yeah. maybe. whatever. just pass the damn banana bread, H. Har.Harry!" 


	4. Authors NOTE ! Grrrrrr

AUTHORS NOTE:  
  
Grrrr. why isn't any one replying! I need some dern feedback.dernit! God, my fic has been up for a week and I don't even have 1 reply yet! I may even stop writing this fic soon if no one replies! I don't want flames, but I wouldn't mind some constructive criticisms once in a while! My grammar and punctuation skillz aren't that bad. are they? Where is the dern love? The fic might be kind of slow now, but it DOES get better, just be patient. Now I sound like a freakin' hypocrite! I'm telling you people to be patient when I'm obsessing over how I didn't get any reviews over a 7- day time span. But I know that there are people who have read my fic and just didn't reply, I know I don't reply on every single fic I read. Oh great! Now I sound like a freakin' hypocrite again, I'm not really, though. Ahhhh! Just reply next time, k. Because in further chapters there will be lots more X-TREME PINEAPPLE ACTION! May your lives be filled with tangy pineapple goodness. even if you don't reply. And be forewarned. if you flame me, I'll flame you twice as HARD! AHA!  
  
~GoGo Pineapple~ 


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